Olympus gone Mental
by psychedaleka
Summary: Olympus has gone mental. From complete personality switches to defying all known rules of the PJO universe. Crackfic! Book contains extreme OOCness, extreme randomness, and weird pairings. You have been warned. Rated T because I'm paranoid. I do not own PJO!
1. Hera gets a Divorce

A/N: Warning! This is a crackfic and not meant to be taken seriously. Characters are all EXTREMELY OOC. We (meaning me and my cousin) will not be held responsible for death by too much laughter or lack of air. THIS IS NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! You have been warned.

 **Hera's POV**

"Zeus! Get yo butt over here!" I shouted for the seventieth thousandth time.

I had been searching for him for two immortal lifetimes. Well, not two _immortal_ lifetimes, but still.

He had been gone for a loooooooooong time. Probably chasing after some mortal girl. That girl is soooo dead.

I went to the other Olympians for help. Why now, instead of before, you may ask. Because that's convenient for the plot.

The first Olympian I went to was the King of the Gods. He was at the throne room.

I approached him and demanded "Where the Zeus is Hades?"

A weird girlish squeaky voice replied "1 meter away from you."

So I turned around and nearly ran into Hades.

"Oh hi Hades, never you knew you were Zeus." I muttered.

"I just heard someone call me. I tried texting them back on their phone but they won't reply."

"Phone? What phone?" I asked. "Phones are _so_ 2 immortal lifetimes ago."

Just as I said that, I heard a weird buzzing noise.

I whipped out my bottle of whipped cream and materialised a phone out of whipped cream.

There were 17 846 581 763 240 918 text messages from Hades, my BFF Gaea, and Percy Jackson. Wait. _Peter Johnson_?! I thought he was dead!

Violets are red,

Roses are blue,

I thought you were dead,

When I threw that brick at you.

Apollo appeared riding on Rainbow Dash,"HEY! I'M IN CHARGE OF POEMS! ROSE ARE RED! VIOLETS ARE ORANGE! I AM AWESOME LALALALALA."

Anyways, I peered down at Earth to check if Peter Johnson is _still_ alive. Turns out he's living happily ever after with the brick I threw. That Bricknapper. That was for Jason!

I checked on the other text messages.

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: HELLO?!_

 _Hades: OH MY HADES! PICK UP!_

 _Hades: Echooooo_

 _Hades: I'm going to paint you pink if you don't pick up!_

 _Hades: HOLY HAMBURGERS!_

 _Hades: PICK UP YOUR PHONE ALREADY!_

 _Hades: I'm coming for you._

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _Hades: Hello?_

 _And that was about it. Just about 1 204 398 710 495 more of those._

 _Gaea: Hey BF! How's life?_

 _Gaea: Sleeping is boring! I got some nice dreams about Pink Fluffy Unicorns Dancing on Rainbows!_

 _Percy Jackson: Thanks for the brick! I'm divorced with Annabeth now! Thanks again!_

 _Percy Jackson: Oh yeah, I named the brick Annabeth 's Suit Case._

 _Percy Jackson: Annabeth is the name, the middle names are 's and Suit, with Annabeth's last name as Case._

I saw Artemis run into the room, shouting "DADDY! DADDY! SOMEBODY KIDNAPPED MY BOW! IT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE ONE ON MY BACK!"

Wait. Artemis's dad? No, nevermind. I'm pretty sure that's Poseidon.

I saw Artemis run and hug a guy on ZEUS'S throne! So I shooed him off of MY husband's throne.

And I may have accidentally pushed him down Mount Olympus.

Then I went back to screaming "WHERE DA ZEUS IS HADES?!"

Wait. Wasn't Hades already here? Wasn't I suppose to search for Zeus?

Hades apparently got really irritated and went back to the Underworld in a poof of magical fairy dust.

I decided it was time to pay another visit to Earth, and to not arouse suspicion, I disguised myself as Hades in a magical frilly pink dress.

On Earth, I found Zeus with a little girl hugging onto his leg.

Don't tell me he's cheating on me with a 3 year old! So with a poof of my wand, I turned that girl into Hades.

She, or maybe he ran off to the underworld shouting "Bwahahahaha! I'm Hades!"

That's when she tripped and fell into the river Lethe.

Then I remembered. Hey, where's Artemis? Well, she must be with Poseidon.

I started singing.

 _Do you wanna build a SnowHades?_

 _Come on, tell me where you've been._

 _I never see you anymore_

 _What rhymes with door?_

 _It's like you've gone away (which you probably really have)_

 _We used to be like married_

 _And now we're not? (Wait WHAT?! Never mind!)_

 _I wish you would tell me why!_

 _Do you wanna build a SnowHades?_

 _It doesn't have to be a SnowHades..._

 _Okay, bye... (WAIT! I'M NOT LEAVING YOU ALONE JUST YET!)_

 _Do you wanna build a SnowHades?_

 _Or ride our kids around the halls?_

 _I think some company is overdue_

 _I've started talking to_

 _your pictures on the walls! (Or maybe it was Hercules)_

 _It gets a little lonely_

 _All these empty rooms_

 _Just watching the centuries tick by..._

 _Do you wanna build a SnowHades?_

 _It doesn't have to be a SnowHades...(Maybe a SnowKhione)_

 _Okay, bye…(NO WAIT I'M NOT LEAVING YOU BEHIND JUST YET! STUPID SONG! STOP SINGING THAT!)_

 _Metis I know you're in there_

 _People are asking where you've been (Well, maybe just the titans)_

 _They say, "Have courage", and I'm trying to_

 _I'm right out here for you_

 _Just let me in_

 _We only have each other_

 _It's just you and me (And Zeus)_

 _What are we gonna doooooooooooooooooooFor another 2 Immortal Lifetimes_

 _Do you wanna build a SnowHades?_

 _It doesn't have to be a SnowHades..._

 _Okay, bye…(NO I'M NOT LEAVING SHUT UP ZEUS)_

Apollo suddenly popped in, created some popcorn and shouted "HEY I'm in charge of that! And why can't we build a SnowApollo? AND WHERE'S MY SIS?!"

"Ummm about that Hera...-" Zeus started.

"Ya? Vat?"

"I _sorta_ wanna..."

"Huh?"

"Divorce. _Pleasedon'tgetmadatmeI'msorry."_

"YASSSSSSS!" I screamed. "I can finally date Peter Johnson!"

So I skipped off. Into the next chapter.


	2. Hades, Breaker of the Fourth Wall

**Hades, Breaker of the Fourth Wall**

 _ **HADES POV**_

Ah, what a nice, beautiful, sunny day in the Underworld.

So I was doing my usual workout, riding on my pink unicorn and sprinkling magical rainbow happy dust over the Underworld.

And doing the world a favour by tossing random people in Elysium down to the Fields of Punishment.

Then I changed all of today's Punishments into riding Pink Fluffy Unicorns while listening to Justin Bieber. Whether that's a good thing is up to you to decide.

That reminds me! Today's SUMMER! So it's time to go pick up Persephone!

So I prepared my magical unicorn and set out to Earth.

OH! Before I do that I have to check on !

So I opened it and saw A HUGE EYEBALL STARING AT ME! READING!

So I went around shouting "YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!" At the readers. (Please note that the authors don't think you suck. Blame it on Hades.)

So I went on my magical unicorn and made my FIRST stop! At the reader's HOUSE!

Be warned, I'm right behind you.

Oh, and don't blame me if you turned around and didn't see me. I teleported away on my magical unicorn! So you MIGHT find some fairy dust on your ground. You're tidying that up.

Wait. I forgot to eat breakfast. Oh well, I'll just summon some skeletons to eat.

After munching on a super nutritious breakfast of bones, I set out to find Persephone.

First I went to Antarctica to pick up the camels I was supposed to eat for breakfast.

Next stop, China. I started shouting "I AM HADES GOD OF PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS AND YOU SHALL ALL BOW DOWN BEFORE THE MIGHT OF MY PINK FLUFFY UNICORNS!" in French.

For some odd reason, none of them bothered to even look at me. Imagine that!

I went across the universe searching for Persephone.

The first planet I went to was Mars the roman god of war.

"Hey, Mars, buddy. Have you seen Persephone?" I asked.

"HMMMMMMMM. I THINK I SAW PERSEPHONE WITH APHRODITE AT A FARM." Mars screamed.

"Sheesh, Mars. You don't have to be so loud. You'll wake up the dead!" I jumped.

"I'M WHISPERING HERE!" Mars 'whispered'.

Hestia magically flew down and shouted, "HEY! ONLY I HAVE THE POWER OF CAP LOCKS!"

I decided to ditch these idiots and went back to searching for Persephone.

I went back to the underworld and thought I saw Persephone in a WALL.

BOOM! I broke the wall which just so happens to be the fourth in a row. Turns out she's not there.

Oh well, I at least killed the fourth wall.

I flew to a FARM and found PERSEPHONE talking to another girl.

So I flew down and grabbed a random girl. And the other girl, who looks a lot like Persephone ran around shouting AFRO DIET!

Afro Diet? I thought this is Persephone? Oh whatever. It's not like the two of them are different.

* * *

 **AN: Sorry about the short chapter, we'll post another chapter like soon. Hope you peoples enjoyed.**


	3. The Invincible Villainess Afrodiet

**Presenting… The Invincible Villianess, Afro Diet**

 _ **Afro diet POV**_

 **(A/N We realize that Aphrodite's name is Aphrodite not Afro Diet. This is not a mistake. Aphrodite just gave us a report about her changing her name.)**

Aiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeee! The authors are stuck in a box trying to write and hide from their evil demon brothers! Sent by, well, of course me for getting me kidnapped by Hades.

The stupid authors got me captured by Hades before I even got the chance to spread the newest trend, Afros and cupcake diets. Like how awesome is that?!

Of course, Hades just had to start talking about his last date with Gaea. I mean seriously! Talking to your wife about cheating on her. Humph.

Anyways, better somehow get out of the Underwear before Ares starts 'whispering' again.

While Hades was spreading happiness around, I was giving the skeletons fashion and diet advice.

I suddenly had the strange urge to run around shouting "DIE STUPID SKELETONS! DIE!"

I decided I wanted to sit down on Persephone's throne. When I sat down, there was a thumbtack. I jumped up and banged my head against the ceiling of the Underwear. (A/N: The Underwear is the Underworld. NOT an actual underwear! And not Hades's Underwear. That's just gross.)

Great. My butt is gonna be rainbow for months. _So_ unfashionable.

Persephone came running down from the mortal world. She began to yell at Hades, " YOU GOT THE WRONG GIRL! LIKE WHAT DA HADES, YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL WHO'S YO OWN WIFE. WHAT IN HADES ARE YOU THINKING HADES?! NOW YOU-wait Hades isn't even here. Never mind."

I suddenly felt like swimming. Time to go for a swim in River Styx to become INVINCIBLE! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- pant pant.

So I cannonballed into da River of Sticks.

"Yo Afro!" The goddess of the River of Sticks shouted."You wanna go kill mortals with me?"

"Wait! Let me first become INVINCIBLE! BWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Wait! Afro! Aren't you ALREADY INVIN-"

"NO I MUST BECOME INVINCIBLE! BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"

So I dived deeper into Da River of Sticks.

Then I remembered Perry Johansson. Didn't he hafta think of one spot to become of his weakness?

Then I suddenly remembered.

MY RAINBOW BUTT!

That's when the River of Sticks shot me out and I landed on Artemis.

"Hey Artemis! What are you doing here?"

"Huh? Are you my mom? My name's Artemis? What?"

Oh right. Hera tossed her into the river Lethe. Or something like that.

Then Artemis walked away like a drunk duck. Which is exactly how the authors feel like right now.

Anyways... Time for *dramatic music* DESTRUCTION! BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

So I karate chopped myself back into the Mortal World! BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!

So I went around stomping at green things growing on the ground shouting "DIE MORTALS!"

Yup. I'm fairly sure mortals are green.

I saw a bowl of cereal lying around so I felt like stomping on it.

"BAM! BWHAHAHA! ITS DEAD!"

Demeter popped in and yelled, "HEY! HOW DARE YOU STOMP ON MY FIANCÉ!"

So she slapped me on my rainbow butt and I died happily ever after.

Long live the Afro Diets. No now I'm gonna start a new trend of...


	4. Ares the PokeHuman Trainer

**Ares the PokeHuman Trainer**

 _ **Ares POV**_

So after Afro Diet went missing, I decided to become a pacifist. So I found a game called PokéHumans.

I decided to visit Zeus for my starter PokèHuman. He gladly lent me Metis for my first PokèHuman.

So I caught it by throwing a grenade and may have accidentally killed it along with Zeus.

SUCCESS!

I CAUGHT 2 POKÉHUMANS IN ONE THROW!

Peace.

So I stomped around the forest in search for Wild PokéHumans.

"I GOTTA CATCH'EM ALL!" I whispered.

I found this PokeHuman holding a fishing rod by a river.

So I tried to capture it with a diamond cannonball.

"POKEBALL GO! CATCH THAT SUCKER! PEACE GUYS!" I whispered.

It created a huge crater on the Mortal World. Oh well. Peace.

Now that I have enough PokeHumans I decided to challenge Mars to a gym battle!

I searched all over the universe except every single planet.

But I still cannot find Mars, well except the planet.

So I blew up Mars the planet. Peace guys.

I delivered my PokéHumans and the very dead Zeus to the nearest PokéHuman center, where Nurse Joy AKA Apollo was singing Bad Blood to his pet goldfish.

So I dropped the PokeHumans and the very very dead Zeus on top of Nurse Joy Apollo so 'she' can help me heal them.

I may have smushed Nurse Joy. I ran away with my PokeHumans and the very very dead Zeus before I get a Peace fee from Officer Jenny.

I started singing better than Hera.

 _I wanna be the very best._

 _Like no one ever was_

 _to catch them is my real test_

 _Without destroying the world_

 _I will travel across the land,_

 _searching far and wide_

 _each PokeHuman to understand_

 _Peace is awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee_

 _PokeHuman!_

 _Gotta catch 'em all_

 _it's you or me_

 _I know it's my destiny_

 _PokeHuman!_

 _Oh, you're my archenemy_

 _To hug Gaea is my dream_

 _PokeHuman! Gotta catch 'em all!_

 _Oh, a heart of food_

 _Afro Diet's courage will pull us through_

 _you hurt me, and I'll kill you_

 _PokeHuman!_

 _Gotta catch 'em all!_

 _Gotta catch 'em all, yeah. Peace._

So I skipped away to my next battle.

I wanted to battle Mars, but I searched ALL OVER the universe but still couldn't find him. Ugh.

Oh right. I blew him up. Mars lives on Mars.

I found Poseidon standing beside the Empire State Building so I decided to battle him.

"I CHOOSE YOU PIKACHU!" I 'whispered' and sent out the very very dead Zeus.

"USE THUNDERBOLT!" I commanded.

Zeus waddled around and fell on top of the Empire State Building. And Zeus fainted.

Whoops.

Poseidon sent out a completely very fake (note the sarcasm) Squirtle.

It sat on Zeus and he fainted again.

I decided to show off my extreme peacefulness by attacking Poseidon.

I got interrupted by Team Racket who stole the very very dead Zeus.

Team Racket consisted of Hermes and Apollo.

Hermes

 _Prepare for trouble!_

 _Apollo_

 _Make it double!_

Hermes

 _To protect the world from devastation_

Apollo

 _To unite all people with our nation_

Hermes

 _To denounce the evils of truth and love_

Apollo

 _To extend our reach to the stars above_

Hermes

 _Hermes!_

Apollo

 _Apollo!_

Hermes

 _Team Racket blast off at the speed of light!_

Apollo

 _Surrender now or prepare to fight!_

Artemis pops in

 _Artemis! That's right!_

Team Racket went inside their "Amazing" Sun Chairballoon.

The dropped down a tiny net and CAPTURED MY Very very dead Zeus!

"NUUUUU! DON'T KIDNAP MY PIKACHU!" I shouted.

So I sent out Metis the fly and it blew up Team Racket's Sun Chairballoon.

And I may have accidentally killed my Very very dead Zeus even more.

"Very very VERY dead Zeus! Attack Team Racket with Thunder!"

The very very VERY dead Zeus stumbled into Team Racket and fell asleep on them.

And killed Team Racket.

Team Racket fainted, "TEAM RACKET DIED AGAIN!"

YES! I did my snooby dance on my Very very VERY dead Zeus.

"Hey, Ares! Where's Apollo?" Apollo demanded.

"Uh, right behind you."

I threw my very very Very dead Zeus at him and caught him with an acorn.

 _Gotta catch'em all!_

 _Gotta catch'em all!_

 _PokèHumans!_


End file.
